Grow

When I was a kid, I used to be really afraid of overcast. I remember that each night, I always walk outside the house to check whether there are stars up there. When I couldn't find the stars lies over the sky, I feel worried. That means, the cloud is covering the sky. Which means again, the weather is not really good and it will be rainy by soon.

No, it's not that I dislike rain. But, my biggest fear at the time was bad weather that first come up with the sign of cloudy sky. I was really afraid of disaster. I was afraid that such thing would make me lose the ones I love. I can't even bear the thought about it.

It's kind of tickling everytime I remember those habit; walk outside the house and look up to the night sky. It's funny how the thick globs of dark cloud literally got myself worried. Despite the fact that as we all know, overcast doesn't always mean that it will be rainy tho.

All those childhood fears still well remained until now. During 21 years, there are a lot of overcast I've gotten through. Next, in the process of growing, the fears in my life becomes way more complex and varied; compared to the droplets which I used think—always—is a sign of disaster. I'm afraid of getting failed on the university entrance test. I'm afraid when I come home late after hours hangin' around with friends. I'm afraid of being not good enough in the society. I'm afraid of not having the opportunity to make my parents happy. There are a lot of things that I fear which not only makes my heart tremble, but it also makes me mentally overwhelmed. Well, the fears are now twofold.

The last couple years were the most challenging years. On the other side, there were also a lot of things I could pick as lessons. Sometimes I wonder how does it feels like to live with physical disability—for instance, blind. On the one side, they are classified as lucky because the shortcoming make them doesn't have to see the heartbreaking views, nor the heartless. Sometimes I think that life isn't fair, but then I think back again, "Do you think the shortcoming which they happen to live with is fair to them? NO."

I learn that this life is actually fair, because it's unfair for everyone. Everyone has their own role. Thereby, there's nothing such as useless nor unworthy. People are responsible for what they do.

I learn that in such a bad situation, we shouldn't let things get any worse. There are few things that better left untold—like the good deeds—or prayers—no matter how significant the influence that it brings.

I learn that everyone is struggling hard. They all got the ones they care for. If only I could, I wish everyone—no matter how bad they were once—whoever they are—could get into heaven. Like, really. We were born equally as human being.

I learn that if we see things as God's way, we tend to be way more grateful.

I could say that I'm shaped by the burdens that I had carried with me for so long. Those lessons got my insight turn another way around. They help me to grow and overcome things. I may not be the strongest or the most patient one. I'm just a life learner who try to let go of things. Because you know, things changes like every second. And if you can't adapt to it, you're defeated.