a letter from a fan.

Someone once told me,

"..just consider myself as a fan. yeah, a fan."

It was two years ago, when we both talked through the chat room. He was kinda giving up, well yeah, right before it, he actually wasn't brave enough to take a little step forward--he didn't make it for us. And there it was, the end of the story.

...we drew a line of an ending--or maybe the universe.

I once made a tweet, "not sure if I fall in love, or just being a fan."

Whenever I feel like I attract to someone, I find it hard to look at the difference--whether I fall for him or I-am-actually-just-being-a-random-fan. I hate the feeling that I secretly admire him. I hate the feeling that I actually look for him when I am alone. Feels like I've been lying to myself all this time. I feel like I am too naive to myself. But.. I dont know. I just dont know. I realize that I always feel a kind of disappointment whenever I thought he was around, but he wasn't there.

In the end, I knew who I look for. I knew who I wish was there. 

I find it hard to admit that I fall for him. All I know is I am happy as long as I still get a chance to get to know him more, by stare at the way he talks--by the words that came out through his mouth. There's a fight happen right in me, but I enjoy every single moments that are going.

I don't love you, you know, this is really hard to explain. I admire you. I love your existence. I love the atmosphere when you are around--just like I want to live there a little bit longer. You know, you are just too good to be true. Like.. being paid for something I've never worked on. It's not a good kind of satisfaction.

On the other side, I am glad that I eventually have another 'person' to think about. The person who might not think of me as often as I do. Because you know (again), I am a fan--a fan who crave for her idol.

Most of times I know I'm not a good lover, that's why I think you don't deserve a person like me. A person who sometimes loves being in solitude. She thinks it's better--things are clearer.

Let me just stare at you while you stare at me too, or anytime you look away. Let me take a picture through my mind, let me make a sketch out of it.

Let me..

enjoy my role.